


Amelioration

by Infinity (malecfeels)



Series: Ever Mine [9]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec's past, Alec's past in first, Angst, BDSM, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Bottom Alec, Boys In Love, Cruel Robert Lightwood, Cruel Sebastian, Determined Magnus, Dominant Alec Lightwood, Emotional Manipulation, Encouragement, Everything is beautiful in 2nd chapter, Fear, Full Consent, Healing, Homophobia, Human Malec, Hurt Alec, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Love, M/M, Malec, Malec AU, Mentions of Rape, SO CRUEL, Sad Alec, Sad Magnus, Sensitive themes, So much angst, Submissive Magnus Bane, Tags for second chapter, Top Alec, Two Chapters, Violence, Violence with Suicide, heed the warnings, its not pretty, time leaps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 12:51:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12481976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malecfeels/pseuds/Infinity
Summary: “Alexander. Hey, Look at me.”“Why are you still here? You need to go.”“No. I am not going anywhere.”“Why?”...Alec's past is here. And it is not pretty.Very sensitive themes. Heed all the warnings in the tags and inside before you read.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, the first order of business is briefing you about:  
> A) WARNINGS: Sensitive themes of homophobia, rape, suicide, emotional manipulation, violence. It is not graphic or written in depth, but it could be triggering. SO BE WARNED.
> 
> B) I am not trying to offend any LGBTQ, especially the gay community through the writing of this fiction. I am not assuming how they feel or how they act. It is merely my perception and the reserach, stories and experiences I have come across. This is still a work of fiction.
> 
> C) One of the important objectives of writing this is to somehow help the LGBTQ communities or even people who are having troubles in their life. The first chapter could be a little daunting with all its triggering themes. But I wrote the second chapter with a view that it could help and motivate people. It is an integral part of the story but it is also a message I would like to give through the story. I do not assume anything because I myself haven't faced any of this challenges. But it's a hope that this helps in some way.
> 
> Okay I think that's about it. If I am missing anything please tell me. This is the first time I have attempted to write about something sensitive and serious.  
> HELLO GUYS. Alec's past is finally here and oh my god I have no recollection of what I wrote. It legit just came out. I have written it in a different way with time leaps. Wanted to make it more intense. I hope it meets the hype. You are going to hate two people and feel bad for one person very much here.  
> I won't blabber a lot. Enjoy the fic <3
> 
> One last time. HEED THE WARNINGS.

_Fifteen Years Ago_

Alec turned thirteen today. His dad gifted him a blue tie, one of the many he already owned in a separate cupboard in his closet. He had been subtly asking for a soccer ball since last month. But his dad barely heard him when he talked directly to his face, he really shouldn’t have expected him to catch up on his subtle hints.

Somehow that wasn’t the only bad thing that happened to him on his birthday. Alec hadn’t felt the kind of ground shifting, world tilting off its axis feeling yet. He was only 13; he wasn’t supposed to be having that kind of worries yet. Right?

But he was.

Alec had just found out he was gay. Rather, he found out that what he had been feeling for the past two years was something real and it had a word for it. It was too bizarre to even think about. Yet he couldn’t stop the word from echoing repeatedly in his head.

_Gay..Gay..He was gay._

Alec had only heard this word once before. His dad had uttered it in the most loathing tone in between words Alec wasn’t ever supposed to say. He had been talking to some of his friends who came over every Friday night and they all had joined in and joked about it. Alec prided himself on knowing his father well. He had grown up looking up to him, trying to be just like him. Because he had to. He was to be like his father.

Rich, smart and confident.

_Not gay_

Alec didn’t have to think long after he had realized he was gay that this wasn’t going to go well with his father. There was only one important thing in his life. That he was always going to keep his father happy and proud. Everything he did was to make him proud.

The only slight comfort Alec had in that moment was that his father was never going to find out he was gay. That he was not normal. Someone to be ashamed of. He was never going to tell _anyone_.

Alec lay in his bed that night and thought about how a person feels when he learns he has cancer. He didn’t know much about it except what he read in books, but he thought that maybe this is how they felt. Unreal and numb because they just learnt that they have this disease in them and it was going to destroy them piece by piece until there was nothing left. Until they were no more.

That was the first time Alec thought about the world without him in it.

* * *

_Eleven Years Ago_

“I am gay”

Alec hadn’t meant to blurt it out like that.

But the alcohol was buzzing pleasantly through him making his head spin and the world a happy place for just a few hours. Of course he had to go ruin it.

Alec had been at his seventeenth birthday party thrown by his dad. He never really got parties from him. Just a tie. But something about getting good grades and making him proud had earned him some good party time.

Alec hated parties. He hated people. Ever since his self-revelation of being gay, he had closed himself off deep in the closet. For four long years, he had stopped making friends and buried himself in studies and his father’s work. It helped him cope. It had been perfect.

Until that night where all of his fake friends had fake smiled at him and pretended to enjoy at his father’s dull party. And then a girl had pressed her chest up to his and her dark red lips had slowly started to inch up to his. Alec had never felt that repulsed in his life. He had violently pushed her away and without seeing her fall down on her ass took off from the party.

Alec didn’t really drink anything except champagne at his dad’s charity events. But that day he chugged down drinks at an unnamed bar he didn’t even remember the names of. The end result had been him swaying dangerously on the entrance of his dad’s office announcing in a loud clear tone,

“I am gay.”

“Sit down before you fall down, son.”

“I am gay.”

“Sit down.”

The firm tone pierced through the haze and Alec obediently sat down on the small plush couch beside the door. Now that he had admitted what he had promised never to admit to anyone, he didn’t know what to do next.

His father knelt in front of him with a light hand on his knee. Alec squinted up at him.

“I am sorry, dad.” Alec mumbled. He had to say it. He had to keep saying it. “S-sorry.”

“Son.” His father said in a strange gentle voice. “I think you are just a little confused.”

Alec huffed a little. “No. I am not confused.” And then he giggled. “I have known that for four years now.”

“Are you sure?” His dad asked, his hand tightening ever so slightly on his knee. “Are you really sure?”

Alec was once again reminded of cancer patients. Wasn’t this how they were questioned?

“Yes.” Alec said, not knowing then that he had just slammed a gavel.

His dad was quiet for a minute. Alec didn’t want to look up to his face. He couldn’t face the disappointment.

“Okay.” His dad said, his voice still soft. It would have unnerved Alec if he weren’t so confused by it. “It’s okay, Alec.”

“What?”

“Don’t be afraid son. It’s going to be okay.”

“Why aren’t you angry? Why aren’t you disappointed?”

“You are my first born. My legacy. I could never be disappointed in you. I will make it all better for you. You have been hurt so much.”

Nothing was making sense to Alec except the comforting words of ‘I could never be disappointed in you’. The soft tone, the gentle hand. What he thought he would never have. What he had craved for so long.

His father wasn’t raging at him; he wasn’t disowning him and throwing him out of the house. He was accepting him.

“You are not angry?”

“No, Alec. Everything is going to be okay. _You_ are going to be okay. I will make sure of that.”

If Alec had been a little less drunk, if he had been a little less relived and happy, if he had just looked a little closely at his dad, he would have seen the unusual glint in his father’s eye.

He would have seen the sign where it went wrong. Where everything went wrong.

* * *

_Ten Years Ago_

When his father first introduced Alec to Sebastian, he had been floored by him. He was already floating on cloud nine with his father’s acceptance and then he had met this blonde guy who was so beautiful and charming.

Sebastian Morgenstern was his father’s best friend, Valentine’s only son. He was a little older than Alec, already reining over his family business at 21. He had heard his father talk about Sebastian more times than his own son. But he could care less about it at that moment.

His father had cornered him that morning during breakfast and told him that Sebastian would be coming to their house. And that he was coming to meet him. It had taken him embarrassingly long to understand what exactly his father was doing. He was trying to set him up with Sebastian. His father who had never taken any kind of interest in his children’s life except for his own benefit was setting him up with a _guy_. Alec was too shocked and happy to realize how shady and wrong the whole thing was.

And even though he was still a little unnerved, Sebastian had managed to hit the final nail in his coffin. He had swept Alec off his feet with his charm and his beauty and his intelligence. Alec didn’t have a lot of friends and a boyfriend was completely out of the picture.

But as soon as he met Sebastian, all the repressed feelings came rushing up and it made him dizzy with relief and happiness. It felt that day that Alec was finally living his life. Things were finally taking a turn for the good and everything was going to be alright.

Ten years later, Alec still curses his old self for being so naïve and falling for his father’s and Sebastian’s charm.

* * *

_Nine Years Ago_

“Hi baby.” Sebastian whispered in his ear, his arms going around him and pulling him tight against his back.

“Seb!” Alec hissed, trying to wiggle out. His colleagues politely looked away, looking down at their books. But he could see the discomfort and slight disgust on some of their faces. “Let go. People are looking.”

“So?” Seb said, placing a biting kiss on his neck. “I am your boyfriend.”

Alec was still getting used to hearing him say boyfriend. “I am busy with the study group. I can see you later, Seb.

Alec was quickly jerked around, his face now inches from Sebastian’s. He was strikingly beautiful. Alec was still getting used to the idea that someone like him was going out with someone like Alec.

“No. You will see me now.” Sebastian said in his usual cool tone. “I am your boyfriend, Alec. I come first. This is how it is.”

And then he pushing him against the wall and kissing his muffled protests away right in the middle of the crowded room. Alec relented after another second of struggling. He wasn’t going anywhere.

Alec was still getting used to having a guy in his life. Because he had no one else before. There was nothing he could compare it to.

So if Sebastian said it is how it is, then it is how it is.

.

.

.

“They are disgusted by you because you are gay.” Sebastian said casually.

Alec didn’t know what he was supposed to say. He was going to say that Sebastian was gay too. But then he wondered, had Sebastian ever said that to him?

“Don’t worry, Alec.” Sebastian grinned at him, snapping him out of his thoughts. His hands inched slowly down his thigh. “I am here for you, despite how disgusting it is. This is how it is.”

It took a long time for Alec to realize that people were disgusted by the “I am dating Sebastian” bit rather than the “I am gay” thing.

If only he hadn’t let Sebastian convince him otherwise.

.

.

.

“Son.” His dad said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “How are things going with Sebastian?”

“Uh…Dad…” Alec began, gearing himself up.

“He is a good guy, Alec. Very successful and smart. You should learn from him.”

“Dad-“

“You know you are making me proud, right? You are making me so proud. Be with Sebastian. _Be with him_.”

“Yes Father…”

.

.

.

 

“Happy Anniversary, Sebastian.”

“Oh yeah..yeah that. Same to you.”

“You forgot, didn’t you?”

“Alec, don’t be a girl. It’s not important. I am working all day you know.”

“You should have told me. I was waiting for you at the restaurant.”

“I was busy. Don’t make a big deal of it.”

“Because…this is how it is?”

“Yes. You know that. This is how it is.”

.

.

.

Alec fell hard against the table as Sebastian punched him hard across the face. Pain bloomed bright as he stumbled and tried not to fall to the ground. They were alone in his house and it was not the first time Sebastian had hit him.

“Seba-“ He was cut off with another hit.

“You have to be strong, Alec” Sebastian said coolly, almost in a clinical tone. But Alec could see the glee in his eyes. “You can’t be this pathetic.”

“Stop-“ He was cut off yet again as Sebastian kicked his leg and he fell down with a harsh thud. His body was aching so badly.

“You are gay.” Sebastian said, voice cracking into something dark. “So you are weak. Pathetic. You need to be strong!”

Alec moaned as another kick hit him. He curled up in a ball, trying to make sense of what was happening.

_Gay_

_Weak_

_Pathetic_

Those were the only words he could make sense of. It hurt more than the physical pain of the beating.

“Alec..” Sebastian’s voice whispered in his ear. “I am doing this to protect you, baby. So you are _ready_. Because this is how it is…”

It was the only thing he knew. It was the only thing he had.

.

.

.

“Son, how are things with Sebastian? Are you making me proud?”

“Yes Father.”

.

.

.

Alec knew how betrayal felt. That had been something he had faced since he was a kid. So he knew how it felt.

He could feel the familiar emotions of hurt and betrayal when he saw Sebastian sucking a random girl’s face in the parking lot. He could imagine himself in place of the girl, except with him there was a lot of biting and bruising.

“Sebastian?”

Alec wasn’t as betrayed by the casual disinterest in his eyes when they met his. It was a familiar look for him.

“Alec!” Sebastian grinned, still holding the girl against him. “What are you doing here? I thought I told you to wait at home.”

“Are you cheating on me?”

Sebastian let out a huge guffaw of laughter like he had just cracked a funny joke. “Alec, there is no cheating here.  Donna here is my girlfriend. I am just spending quality time with her.”

“I am your boyfriend.”

Sebastian laughed again. “So I am. But that doesn’t hold any importance. You don’t expect me to devote my life to you?”

“ _I_ have.”

“Cause you are gay, Alec. And this is how it is for you.”

And Alec believed him. He was too far gone to not believe it.

.

.

.

“Are you being good to Sebastian? You listening to everything he says?”

“Yes Father.”

“Good. Believe him. He is the right person for someone like you.”

“Yes Father.”

.

.

.

Alec had never been with anyone physically before Sebastian. Being a closeted gay hadn’t given him any chance to know how sex worked much less how it was supposed to be for someone like him. Someone who was different. Not normal.

So on the very same night that he met Sebastian, when he ripped off his clothes and fucked him till he bled and when it hurt like nothing ever had before, Alec didn’t question him whether it was right. He didn’t question the absence of comforting touches or loving words. He didn’t protest when all he felt was pain and humiliation and confusion where he thought that he should feel pleasure and satisfaction.

He thought that maybe it was how it was for people like him. Maybe the pleasure and satisfaction of sex wasn’t for him. Maybe for him it was all about the pain and the humiliation.

By the end of that year with Sebastian, he believed it. He believed it all.

It was like Sebastian always told him,

_This is how it is._

* * *

_Eight Years Ago_

Alec had lost count how many times he had wondered about the world without him in it since that first night when he was thirteen.

But that night on his 19th birthday, it was the first time he came so close to acting on it.

He had been walking past his father’s office when he heard him talking quietly on the phone. He had just spent his birthday lying in bed all day. His body hurt after Sebastian’s beating last night. His sister and adopted brother had tried to get him out for celebrating but he had been adamant and they had left him alone, chalking it up to his brooding introvert nature.

Alec hadn’t wanted to get out at all, enjoying what little bit of time he had gotten without Sebastian. But his throat had been killing him and so he had gone down to get some warm milk. He didn’t even know his dad was home that day. He hadn’t wished him.

“Yes, Sebastian. Of course.” He had heard through the door and he had frozen.

His feet had automatically taken him close to the door and he stood silent like a ghost overhearing their conversation.

“So, everything is going good?” his father asked in a quiet voice. “Hmm. Good one. I didn’t think of that.”

There was something in Alec that was screaming at him to stop listening and go away. But he was frozen in place.

“I can’t thank you enough, Sebastian. No one could have handled this situation as you have done so far. You are saving my son from a horrendous shameful crime. I thought for a while that all was lost for him. Him coming to me like that and saying all those things. I don’t know what he was thinking. He was so far gone already.”

There was a small pause. Then, “I hope you are right. By the time you are done with him, he won’t be an abomination anymore. It’s an unfortunate situation of course. Set me back so much time. And the…what was it? Conversion therapy? Yes yes….that would have been easier you know? But it would have put a damper on my image, on my business. Couldn’t let that happen.”

“But I trust you, my boy. You have done some really good work with him. I will finally get back the son I deserve. And it will all be good.”

Alec waited till his father finished speaking and waited some more when he had hung up and was sitting in his high back chair. Then he slowly knocked and opened the door.

“Alec.” His father greeted, not looking up from his desk.

“Father.” Alec said, not knowing why he was standing there.

“What do you want?” His father said, looking up at him.

Alec opened his mouth to say something. There was so much he wanted to say. He wanted to yell, he wanted to cry. He wanted to throw something at his father and see him bleed.

“I don’t have time, boy. I will talk to you later.” His father grumbled. He waited a moment and then said, “How are things with Sebastian? Are you learning from him?”

Alec didn’t know how he hadn’t realized that this was all his father ever asked him anymore. It was always about him and Sebastian. Never how he was, what he wanted or if he wanted to be wished for his birthday.

“Yes Father.” Alec gave the dutiful reply and walked out.

As Alec walked up the stairs to his room, he remembered the day he had turned thirteen. The day he had realized he was gay and that something was wrong with him. Every day since then flashed in front of his eyes. Six years of his life that went so wrong that he wasn’t sure who he was anymore.

Everything felt numb and unreal. But at the same time his mind was bursting with images, feelings, words, faces.

“I am gay”

Sebastian

His father

An abomination

_This is how it is_

Alec finally found blissful silence and calm as he lied in his bed, knife limp in his hands and blood steadily pooling around him.

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

_Now_

“I woke up in the hospital a week later. One of the servants found me. It was almost too late. But the doctors managed to save me.” Alec said. “I was under suicide watch after I woke up. I could only talk to the therapist they assigned me. I told her everything. I didn’t want to. But she was a good one. I couldn’t stop telling her once I had started.”

Alec took one of his pauses where he took a breath and started up again. “She talked with Izzy and Jace. Izzy wasn’t an agent yet but she had some connections in the FBI. The case took some years but she threw Sebastian in prison. They couldn’t connect Robert to any of it and he had solid legal protection. But she managed to draw a restraining order on him. Build up a few harassment cases. Kept him away from me. I haven’t seen him since that day in his office.”

Alec let out one long breath after that and stopped.

Magnus waited a whole minute before he realized that Alec had ended his story. He had finally let everything out and told him about his past. About what had happened to him when he was a mere teenager.

Magnus didn’t know how to process any of it. He had known on some level that it was going to be horrible. He thought he had been prepared enough for it. But he couldn’t have been more wrong.

Alec hadn’t moved an inch from where he had been sitting hunched on the sofa. Magnus had sat him down on it before kneeling in front of him, careful not to touch him. He had decided not to beat around the bush and just straight up ask about who Sebastian was. Turned out he didn’t have to plead or request or demand before Alec had started to talk.

And he had talked. He had talked with a thin low voice that hadn’t changed a bit. With his sightless eyes lost in the memories of what he had been saying. He had told him everything.

There was a small part of Magnus’ that regretted making him talk about it. It was a part that was completely horrified and scarred by what he had heard. A part which would never truly understand and get past of what he knew now. Which knew that there was no coming back from it.

“Alexander.” The name came unbidden out of his mouth.

Alec didn’t look up though. His gaze was still trained somewhere on his chest, mind lost far away.

“Alexander.” Magnus said a little loudly. His hand was shaking badly as he slowly tried to inch it towards him. He tried to stop the shaking but he couldn’t. He hadn’t realized but his whole body had been quaking for some time now. “Will you look at me, please?”

Alec finally looked up, his eyes meeting Magnus’. A little life lurked in the dull gaze as he recognized Magnus.

“I…Alec…” Magnus started, his voice as shaky as his body. He tried to grab at the useless words filtering around in his brain to make some sense.

“It changed me.” Alec began before he could say anything. “After everything that happened, I wasn’t the same anymore. I don’t even know who exactly I am. Being like this…in control, it’s the only way I know now. It took me a lot of time to get past it. To get back on my feet and learn to live again. And I have. But it has changed me. I can never fully move on. Or let it all go. I will never be the same.”

“Alec...” Magnus whispered, biting his lip hard. He had already cut through the skin until it bled.

“I never wanted you to know this terrible, ugly side of me.” Alec said, slight waver in his voice. “This side that I can’t ever wipe out. You didn’t ask for this. I could never ask you to stay with me. I understand, Magnus.”

Alec held his gaze for a second but what felt like an eternity where his eyes bled every emotion he had been suppressing all along. There was so much pain and anguish, fear and hate and a kind of naked helplessness. It broke Magnus’ already shattered heart.

He held it just for a second before breaking away. He stood up before Magnus had a chance to say or do anything. Before he knew it, he was already walking away.

“No...Alec..” Magnus breathed out but it was too low and Alec was too far away. He disappeared inside his corridor leaving Magnus all alone kneeling on the floor.

Magnus dropped down on the floor and bent forward until his heavy head rested on the couch. There was a deep pit in his stomach threatening to swallow him whole. It was something he had never felt before. So much anguish and pain at something that wasn’t his in the first place. He had heard some pretty horrible stories in his life. Hell, he had his own horror tales. But the knowledge that this was about _Alec_ had him drowning in despair and sorrow. The thought of knowing that Alec had gone through all that and was still going through it was unbearable in ways he couldn’t really understand. He just knew it was the worst kind of feeling and he would have done anything to save him from that.

He _would_ do anything to save him from that.

Magnus clenched his hands angrily. He had no time to have a meltdown right now. Alec was in a much worse condition. There was never a choice for Magnus when it came to him. He would do anything for Alec and despite how scary the thought was, it felt right. He wouldn’t ever forgive himself if he failed the one person who was everything to him.

Magnus hastily wiped the tears away from his face. He hadn’t even realized he had been crying until he had felt the tears drop down on the ground. Everything had been so numb and surreal. It still felt like that, but Magnus had a purpose now. He breathed in and out a few times, urging his hands to stop shaking and his heart to pound so loudly. He had to be calm and composed before he could face him.

Today, it was his turn to take care of Alec.

* * *

Magnus cursed his weak heart when it threatened to give way yet again as he saw Alec lying on the bed. He was on his side facing away from him, looking small and forlorn. Magnus just wanted to pull him in his arms and keep him away from every pain in the world. But only if it were that easy.

Magnus hated himself to be so weak. He had always been good with people, but it was like nothing was the same when it came to Alec. He was a stuttering mess as soon as he saw him and the ground shifted beneath him leaving him open and bare. How did Alec manage to be so strong and calm with him?

 _Get a grip_ , Magnus thought clenching his hands tight. His nails dig hard, the pain a refreshing wave of clarity. He could do this.

Magnus slowly walked to the end of the bed, keeping an eye on Alec. He didn’t move or give any indication that he had heard him. Magnus gasped a little as he came into view and he saw the tear tracks on his face and the utterly broken expression on his face. Alec hadn’t shed a single tear till that point.

Magnus immediately felt his own eyes water at the sight. He _couldn_ ’ _t_ take this anymore.

“Alexander.” He whispered, quickly dropping down next to him. “Hey. Look at me.”

“Why are you still here?” Alec replied, surprising Magnus. His voice was hoarse and his teary gaze snapped to his. “You need to go.”

“No.” Magnus said clearly. “I am not going anywhere.”

“Why?” Alec asked, another tear slipping down the corner of his eye.

“Can I hold your hand?” Magnus whispered instead.

Alec stared silently at him for a beat before nodding minutely. Magnus smiled a little and gently took Alec’s hand in his. It was cold and stiff as he cupped it in his two palms.

Magnus couldn’t describe how good it felt to have that little touch. His heart bloomed and a new kind of courage flowed through him at the mere touch. He desperately grabbed onto that as he looked up at Alec. He had lost his connection to Alec back at the bar and it had left him floundering in the dark, unable to help or do anything. But as he looked into those dark eyes so full of pain, as he felt the cold hand in his which was so familiar to him, Magnus felt calm. He felt strong and he knew he had been agonizing for no reason.

“I need you to listen to me, okay?” Magnus said slowly, softly caressing the skin in his palms. He kept his eyes sharp on Alec’s, beckoning him with his intense gaze. At the moment there was no one else outside of them. It was just the two of them.

Alec swallowed hard and nodded again.

“Thank you.” Magnus started. He saw the brief surprise in Alec’s eyes as he pushed on. “For telling me everything. For trusting me with your past. You knew you could have not told me anything. But you did. And I know that took a lot of strength and courage. So thank you.”

“I always wanted to tell you.” Alec murmured. “But I couldn’t….”

“Because it would drive me away.” Magnus finished.

“It should.” Alec whispered.

Magnus leaned a little forward. “Listen to me very clearly now. Robert is a _heartless monster._ So is Sebastian. And so is everyone who has ever caused you pain. What they did to you…you were just a _kid_ , Alec. They manipulated you and preyed on your weakness. They are not even worth _thinking_ about. If I could…I would kill them for what they did to you.”

Alec made a low noise as Magnus finished. Magnus was sure he could see the truth in his eyes as he said that. It hadn’t even thought about it before he spoke but there was no lie in it.

“Yes I would.” Magnus said harshly. “It’s not just because of you, although that is the most important reason. But what they did is inhumane. And god knows how many others have been a victim to their selfish deeds.”

“I..I never thought of that.” Alec said, guilt flashing in his eyes.

Magnus frantically shook his head. “No no. Do not think like that. You had your own crisis to deal with. And…god…saying _sorry_ doesn’t even come close to cutting it. I ca-can’t even begin to understand what you went through all those years. I can’t ever understand. Only you know how it feels. I wish with everything I have that there was some way I could erase the whole thing. Or some way I could share your burden. But I can’t do any of that.”

Magnus breathed out, his throat clogging up again. It was getting increasingly difficult to control the tears now. “You told me that you don’t know who you are anymore. That what happened completely changed you from who you were. Alexander…that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You aren’t _damaged_. There was no way you were going to be the same after what happened. Even a small part of that would have changed a person. Hell, it would have broken and destroyed them.”

“But I did break.” Alec whispered, his breath hitching.

“And you came back up again.” Magnus whispered, tightening his hand on his. “You _survived_ , Alexander. You were so strong. You _are_ strong. You are the strongest person I know. You are still here, still standing tall after everything that has happened. And that is what _matters_. Not your past. Not who you were, but who you are _now_. You are the one who told me that when I told you about my past.”

Magnus continued, “I am not saying the past doesn’t matters. It is always going to be there. You said it yourself…it’s never going to go away. But you don’t have to carry it as a burden. You survived it, you grew up from it. You are learning to slowly let it all go. I said I wish I could erase it all…but I wouldn’t. It sucks and it’s the worst thing in the world, but it is still a part of you. It is what made you who you are, Alexander. It may have broken you in ways you can’t ever mend, but it has built you in ways you could never have without it. And that doesn’t always have to be bad. It’s just who you are.”

Magnus brought his hand to his lips and kissed softly. “And who you are? You are Alexander Lightwood. You are an amazing cop who saves and protect people, a caring man who looks after his family, a loving partner who takes cares of me and so much more. You are the best person I have ever met, Alexander. Your past does not define who you are. All that you are now and all that you do every day, tells you who you are. Don’t let your past tell you that.”

Magnus finished, letting out a long breath. He hadn’t moved his gaze from Alec’s even for a moment. He had watched the pain filled eyes shift from surprise, despair, wonder and something more as he had talked. He waited a beat, giving Alec time to digest his words.

“Do you re-really believe that?” Alec whispered shakily. He looked so innocent and small like this, it made Magnus want to cry.

Instead he smiled his most genuine smile and said as surely as he could. “I do, Alexander. I do not think for a minute that you are _wrong_ somehow or damaged. You have your flaws, so do I. But it doesn’t have to be because of your past. I accept you for who you are now. For how wonderful and caring you are. And I will tell you that every minute of every day if you don’t believe me. Because you are worth it. You are worth everything to me.”

_I love you so much_

Magnus couldn’t help the sob that built up in him as the words echoed in his head. It was so easily there. It had been there since the moment he had met Alec. And he knew it had been there. He had just been a coward to admit it himself.

“Magnus?” Alec’s soft voice cut in his fevered thoughts.

Magnus sniffed and tried to smile through his tears as Alec looked worried. It was such a familiar expression on him, the one he knew so well, it made his throat clog up for a whole new reason.

“What is it? You okay?” Alec asked, his eyes shining.

“Oh god.” Magnus said shakily, trying to wipe the tears away. “I am ok-okay…I am okay.”

“Come here.” Alec said softly and pulled him in through their joined hands. Magnus immediately went in, placing his head on his head as arms wounded tight around him.

The striking familiarity of the whole thing, with him fitting perfectly in his arms, his sweet scent surrounding him and the light press of his lips in his hair, finally made him lose it. The encroaching sob burst out of him and he couldn’t stop the wave following it. He clung hard to Alec as painful tears wracked out of him, all the pent up sorrow and rage from since in the bar coming out of him.

“I a-am sorry.” He sobbed. He gripped fistful of Alec’s shirt as he kept saying, “I am so so-sorry.”

“Magnus..shh.” Alec kept on with his own litany of words of comfort as he combed a hand down his hair and back. “It’s okay. It’s all okay.”

“I am sorry ab-about what happened to you.” Magnus whispered, breath hitching. “It’s ho-horrible and I hate all of it. I ha-hate them both _so_ much. I swear I will kill them.”

Alec’s arms tightened around him and his voice turned rough at that but he continued with his reassurances. Magnus soaked in all of it. After everything that had happened, after what he had just realized, it was a terrifying thought that he could lose this. That someday he would not have this sense of love and comfort with him.

Magnus banished the thoughts and clung harder. He was already winding down a little, his heart feeling lighter and the overwhelming feelings slowly dwindling to something calmer. He didn’t let go though. He couldn’t.

“I need you to be okay.” Magnus whispered, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Please just be okay.”

“I will be.” Alec promised, kissing his hair. “With you, I will be. Because you are worth it too. You are worth everything.”

Magnus breathed out, the words washing over him like a huge wave. But also calming and soothing him. He greedily lapped them up and stored them deep in his mind. He always wanted to cherish those words and keep them with him forever. Whatever happened he will always remember these moments.

“I am sorry.” Magnus whispered again. His tears had subsided and he felt the licks of guilt and shame come up. “I am supposed to be comforting _you_.”

His heart flared as heard the familiar chuckle. “Don’t worry. You are comforting me.” He waited a beat. “You have no idea how better you made all this. You have helped me like no else ever could and ever will.”

“I just spoke the truth.” Magnus murmured.

“Thank you, Magnus.” Alec said quietly. “I heard everything you said. You gave me everything I needed.”

Magnus closed his eyes as he savored the words for a moment. Then he slowly leaned back and looked up at Alec, “Not everything yet.”

Alec’s glimmering dark eyes looked down at him, filled with his familiar intensity. He was back to the Alec he knew. But there was still something Magnus had to do.

“What do you mean?” Alec asked softly.

Magnus brought up a hand and pressed to his cheek. His heart picked up as Alec leaned ever so slightly into it. “I want to take care of you like you take care of me.”

“What?” Alec breathed out, confusion still lurking in the depths.

“I want to show you…” Magnus whispered, slowly moving his hand down his face to his neck, pressing it softly to the exposed part of his chest. His eyes caught the slight tremor that ran through him at that. “I want to show you how it really is…how soft and gentle it is…how it really feels to have someone touch you with love and care. To let go and just _feel_.”

Magnus could see the exact moment realization struck Alec as his eyes glazed and then immediately shifted to terror. “No…no I ca-can’t.” he said shakily, trying to pull away.

Magnus held on tightly. “You can.” He said with all the strength he could muster. “Sweetheart…I want to make you feel all the things you make _me_ feel. I want to show you how gentle and capable you are with me. I want to give that to you. You _deserve_ it.”

“Magnus…” Alec said helplessly. He was the one who was shaking now.

“Do you trust me?” Magnus asked softly.

Alec swallowed hard. “You know I do.”

“Then trust me to do the right thing here.” Magnus said, smiling. “I would never hurt you. Ever.”

Alec stared right at him, a naked look in his eye. He looked small and forlorn again, like he didn’t know what was happening or what he was supposed to do.

_How he was supposed to give up control_

That thought made Magnus falter for a second. It was such a huge thing for Alec and he knew it. Magnus was telling him to do the one thing that kept him sane and together. Magnus took a deep breath and said, “I know it’s scary. But I promise, I will take care of you.”

A remnant of tear slipped down his cheek as Alec clenched his eyes shut. It was only for a moment where Magnus waited with abated breath as he opened them again. The fear and the naked look were still there. But there was also trust and acceptance and something that Magnus desperately wished was love.

“Okay.” Alec whispered, his voice shaky but clear. “Okay.”

* * *

Alec was 28 when he first felt the true touch of love. Where for the first time, someone made love to him and showed him how gentle and beautiful it really was.

Magnus was a like an angel swooping over him as he slowly undressed him, revealing each hidden piece of him. It wasn’t just his naked torso or legs he was uncovering, it was also the scarred parts of him that had never healed. Something he had buried deep inside and covered it up with layers of clothing and control.

Alec felt uncanny fear and insecurity when he was all naked and there was nothing left to hide behind. He lay there vulnerable as he felt Magnus’ eyes all over him. He wanted to run away and escape somewhere. Until he caught Magnus’ gaze and the look in his eyes. They were glazed with wonder and beautiful lust. There was something so deep in his eyes it made him lose his breath and with it the urge of to hide.

“You are the most beautiful man I have ever seen.”

It was the same thing he had reverently said to Magnus earlier that night. It was true in all the senses and as he heard the words, he could hear the same truth in his voice too. It made something break and mend inside of him.

Truth to be told, Alec had never really known how to be caring and gentle with someone until he had met Magnus. He didn’t know how to be soft and soothing. He was hard and rough because that is all he knew and everyone who came to him wanted only that. But that first time with Magnus, something just gave way inside of him. His hands had worked like never before. His mouth had traced parts he didn’t know before. He had worshipped that beautiful body under him like never before.

Magnus did all those things and so much more. Alec really had no words for how he felt that night. The touches and the kisses were familiar movements, but the feeling of being on the receiving end of it was unimaginably different. Every inch of him was on fire. He could feel every touch, light and heavy and every kiss, soft and hard. He couldn’t think, couldn’t say a word except just lie there and take it all.

Alec feared that losing control like that would make him remember Sebastian’s crude way with him. Because that’s what had happened, he had laid silently, taking all that Sebastian gave him. Where he had control of his body or his feelings.

But where Sebastian laid pain and destruction, Magnus laid love and satisfaction. Every cruel mark of him was erased with Magnus’ gentle pure touch. Every crook and crevice where Sebastian had broken him, Magnus healed it with his kisses. His scars were long and disgusting, both real and metaphorical. But Magnus caressed them into marks of survival and strength.

Alec always carried the marks that Sebastian had woven into him all those years. He carried his painful touch, his ruthless voice and his heavy weight on him. But that night like magic, Magnus erased every trace of him from his body. He wiped it off with his gentle ministrations, his soft kisses, his soothing voice and his deeply intense eyes. The remnants were still there, but only in the darkest corner of his mind and not visible on his body.

Alec released all his fears, frustration and anger through his moans and whimpers and his tears. It all came out unbidden, urged by Magnus. He gave up control and let himself get swept away by him. But this time he only got pleasure and satisfaction in return. He only took and took and gave nothing back. And later when he got his release with Magnus surrounded all around him, with his hands and his breath and his moans, Alec realized he had been chanting Magnus’ name all along with nothing else but pure love.

It was purer than anything he had ever said or done. It was a feeling buried deep inside of him, where no one in his life had ever even gotten close. But Magnus with his beautiful face, his brilliant smiles and his magical touch had easily plunged right into it and settled himself there. He hadn’t even realized when he had done that. But he had.

_I love you so much_

The words echoed in his head, the only things floating in a pool of bliss. He could taste them on his lips as he looked up at Magnus who had a strikingly similar expression on his face. Face filled with the familiar sated bliss and eyes glazed over with pleasure. And something else. Something deep and true.

Something that Alec knew was reflected in his own.

Alec was 28 when he fell in love. Truly and irrevocably fell in love. It was gentle and soft unlike everything else in his life.

The movement of falling was beautiful. But he didn’t know that it would be another hardship before they could live in its warm cocoon. That falling is easy, accepting it is easy. But living it is not.

But at the moment, Alec was content and beyond happy with just basking in the new found feeling of love. It was moment of peace and happiness.

They would deal with the worries and hardships later.

Later.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is. You should also listen to Alec and worry about the hardships later and bask in their new found love.
> 
> Alec told his gruesome past, Magnus was traumatized but he helped Alec heal with his strong true words, Magnus made beautiful love to Alec, Alec started healing (and he came, finally) and the boys realized they love each other. Right?  
> This little summary was more for my benefit because I can't recall half the things.
> 
> Please tell EVERYTHING YOU FELT. I have never written something so...intense before. Tell me if I did a good job.
> 
> And my message to all of you is  
> 'Love yourself. That's it. I do not mean to spread any kind of negativity through the fic. It was just important to the plot. And I admit, I do not realize the magnitute of the LGBTQ problems because I have not faced any. I came to know all about it through Malec and the fandom and other TV shows. I just want to say that every single one of you is special and unique and weird and lovable. Do not let anyone tell you otherwide. Always keep fighting and love yourself first. And you are never alone.   
> Feel free to drop by a message if you want to talk about anything to me on my Instagram account. The link is above. I love y'all so much. Your support is everything to me <3
> 
>  
> 
> About the series, we are nearing the end. One more hardship. One last arc. I promise not to make it too angsty?  
> The next one will be equally big and intense. Might take some time.
> 
> Please leave your feedback and I haven't had any troubles yet but if you are somehow offended, please do not use harsh language. I will calmly listen to everything you have to say.
> 
> UNTIL NEXT TIME <3

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry. Hit the next chapter.  
> Its beautiful.
> 
> PS: For those of you who don't know, 'Conversion Therapy' is a process or practice of trying to change a person's sexual orientation using scientific or spiritual techniques. It is a inhumane process that involves phyical torture and emotional manipulation in an attempt to change the person's sexuality.  
> In this story, I showed how Robert emotionally manipulated Alec to change his sexuality by using Sebastian to abuse him and manipulate him into thinking that being gay is pathetic and weak.


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